Rooting in Relationships
Rooting in Relationships: Community-building strategies for this moment and beyond
“After Oct 7, I realized I just needed more Jewish community.”
“I have never really gotten involved in Israeli politics, and now it seems so important. Everyone seems to have such strong opinions and I feel more alone than ever. I need to feel like I belong.”
“My Instagram page is exploding with people on all sides of the issues. It’s just so much and I need to talk about it somewhere.”
These are the voices of young, Jewish adults that we at Gather, Inc. are hearing day after day. They’re just a fraction of the significant increase we have seen in young adults and Jewish professionals reaching out to our Gather, Inc. team members since October 7th.
The data emerging across the Jewish world show that more Jews have been coming into our spaces these past six months seeking knowledge, community, and comfort. In response, many organizations are moving quickly to create new educational programs on politics and history, to mobilize their constituents for global actions, and to add more social and spiritual gatherings to their calendars.
In his recent piece for eJewish Philanthropy, Yossi Prager wrote: “[P]erhaps the silver lining in the post-Oct. 7 world is an opportunity to expand the communities of committed Jews who participate for positive reasons, and not just as a response to fear or anxiety.”
How might we help people connect to their Jewish identities and communities over the long haul, beyond an isolated program or a challenging moment? The Gather, Inc. team has been wrestling with this question for over a decade, and we believe a clear answer has emerged: the power of long-term, meaningful connection lies in the relationships forged, not the programs run.
As many of us feel pulled in this moment to create new programs and fill our calendars with offerings for our communities, how might we instead - or simultaneously - forge the relationships that will keep people in our communities far beyond this challenging moment?
“How might we … forge the relationships that will keep people in our communities far beyond this challenging moment?”
When you feel pulled to create a new program, listen for more than is being said.
When people come to us asking for specific programs and experiences, our inclination is often to quickly create the programs that meet their stated needs. At Gather, we call this “A to B Thinking.”
We instead practice “A to C Thinking” – listening for the need beneath the explicit ask. As relationship-builders, it’s our job to probe deeper when someone tells us “I want X.” Don’t stop the conversation. Learn more. Then, think about what you’ve heard from multiple people. What community-wide needs and trends are emerging?
Perhaps what this person is really expressing is that they’re scared and feeling the need to defend themselves in conversations. Or, maybe they’re feeling disconnected from their Jewish community and don’t know the way back in.
As you move to create programs, slow down. Ask yourself: What am I really hearing from my community? How might I create an experience that meets my people where they truly are? Is a program really what’s needed? If not, in what other ways might I address my community’s underlying needs?
When you feel pulled to believe numbers tell the complete story, prioritize relationships over participation.
As we add new programs to our calendars, we often assume that if people need us, they’ll show up. At Gather, we’ve learned we can’t assume someone’s level of interest or need based solely on whether or not they come through our doors.
Maybe you had a deep conversation with someone about Israel during oneg, and you invited them to your program next week. If they don’t show, you might be tempted to assume they weren’t actually interested or didn’t need the content your program provided.
Instead, make this an opportunity to learn more. Reach out to them personally. Let them know you missed them. Offer to grab coffee. As Seth Godin, author of Tribes writes: “[People] want to be missed the day they don’t show up. They want to be missed when they’re gone.” Talking one-on-one and receiving your compassion and interest – as opposed to attending a lecture or a listening circle – might be exactly what they need.
When you feel pulled to be everything for everyone, foster Networks that care for one another
Each of us has the power to be a network weaver – someone who creates and strengthens the relationships in our community. As you meet new people and re-engage familiar faces over the next weeks and months, think about who you could connect with one another. Where could you facilitate an introduction that might lead to mutual support or friendship? We call this core piece of our community-building work the “Gather Connect.”
Did you meet two people last night who are both concerned about the safety of their family members in Israel? Introduce them! Help them set up a coffee date. When you make a connection between people, you help lay the foundation for a supportive relationship where it may not otherwise have had the opportunity to be built.
You can’t be the sole support to every single person in your community. The gift you can give is helping your people find each other – and moving out of the way so that they can build a relationship.
“The gift you can give is helping your people find each other – and moving out of the way so that they can build a relationship.”
There is no real guidebook for how to care for our communities in this moment. What we know is that relationships can sustain us through the best and the worst life has to give. When we put our hearts into relationship-building – listening for more than what’s said, prioritizing relationships over participation, and weaving networks – we lay a foundation of support that will carry each of us through today and tomorrow and the weeks and months to follow. The seeds of connection we plant now become the roots of relationships that help us weather future storms.
